[	mood	|	embarrassed	]
[	music	|	Kozi- Honey Vanity	]

I found an entry I wrote about a month ago in my xanga. I read it and it just made me think. Maybe I should rant more in my journal entries or just let myself type out my feelings without thinking about who is reading it or what people will think because the outpour of feelings that are bottled up inside of me just feels so good.

the entry: "no one wants to go to prom anymore. why is it 200 bucks anyway? last year it was 150 and that was the plaza ballroom. this year, we don't have the fucking plaza, we don't get the ballroom for waldorf astoria, we get that starlight roof fuckity thing for waldorf and its 200 bucks!? people keep wanting to go out for overnight stuff. am i weird for not wanting to do that? i dont say it tho...they all seem so enthusiastic about it. maybe i'm just a real hermit. i don't see the fun in renting cottages or beach houses or whatevers and staying for a few nights. i'd much rather go to a comedy club or something interactive and fun then go home to a much needed restful sleep. i have never been laser-tagging. it sounds fun. i wonder if i'll ever be able to do it? i have set so many goals for myself and even though i feel like i can conquer all of them, i keep thinking: all the adults i know right now have had their own far reaching goals at some point in their younger lives. many of them never come into fruition. will my future be like that? if win explorer gives me a fucking error message and deletes this whole thing i'm going to kill them. i want to learn to speak FLUENTLY: korean, japanese, french, cantonese, and maybe german and russian. haha like i'm going to actually be able to do that. i want a doggie...that way i won't feel so alone all the time. he/she can be my companion, sleep by me, comfort me, play with me, make me laugh, make me go 'awwwww!!' i don't know if i fit slc or not. at first i thought it did but wen is so pessimistic about it. how she won't fit in there, too many girls, small campus, too much drama, blah blah. i really dont' know anymore. i hate the fact that i want to fit in too. i want to feel closeness and be part of a group of really tight friends, be able to sit there listening to music or watch tv, drink a lil, and fall asleep without worrying because i know when i wake up i'm at school anyway haha i feel like there are two people inside me sometimes. on the outside, i want to be all social and outgoing. but whenever the opportunity really comes up to get out with friends for a big thing, i find my inner self trying to make excuses to not go. i really just want to be by myself, peaceful, quiet, in my room. with my books and music and bed. however, there are other times i would love to get out shopping or hanging out...i dunno...should i go into therapy or something"

Now I laugh at myself for my fears about SLC. What was I thinking? *shakes head* I <3 that school. I <3 the people I already met who are going to be part of my life in the next 4 years. I am going to have the best four years of my life at SLC with the most wonderful people. Goofy Emily ^-^'